tiistai 3. kesäkuuta 2014

About depression

(Notice: written in the beginning of last month)
I want to open the door and walk out into the world. Literally just go outside and take like two steps ahead, turn around and walk back inside. Close the door behind me. Just be there and breath all the bad feelings out through my lungs. Lungs that have tasted fresh air. Vomiting all the anxiety out of myself with the calm caressing feeling of breathing long and passionately deep.

I want to be brave and happy, I want to live life, live like there was nothing else than this cleansingly good fresh feeling and mind's tranquility. In those feelings that have awakened in me this spring, just in these past few months. I've been feeling horrible, been completely at the rock bottom of my life, in the state of deep depression as long as my relationship, feeling bad for the other party as well, started gnawing mercilessly my mental health's core. Broken and in pieces. And I haven't been able to even comprehend it clearly just how much it started to affect me right from the beginning and how far it could really impact in my life and keep me upset. Because that's what I've been and for a long time now. Unfairly so to all my loved ones too, withdrawn into the veil of fog of my own solitude pondering if I should end it all by my own hand and knowing that I would be one of those that not a single soul could ever tell what in the name of what kind of incredible madness could have made me do it.

And the same anxiety eats me alive because I hate myself so fuckin' much.

I'm completely and thoroughly rotten human scum, wretched tapeworm, a bum and a parasite, an idiot and a fool, uncapable of concentrating well on anything, drifting from reality, a broken mind and a weight on the leg of every person close to me and I'm not worth of anyone's concern or help.

And even after all that I'm afraid. I'm so fucking scared. I'm hell of a selfishly scared of the future. And I've just had the privilege to lay low as a lazy bastard not having to do much anything because of my mom who has let me rest for a whole year. And over it. Every day, every week and every month I've devoured like a void, turning those days into nothingness. And still I know nothing could have gone any differently.

And after breaking up, the wheels of the mental side of me started to move slowly towards a feeling of something undefinably, but strangely good. Like I'm getting ahead in life. But then suddenly the Easter, crying out loud, opening up about all kinds of painful things. And the next day immediate shame of selfishness, shame of ridiculousness and everything guilt awakening between the sky and earth gushed to the surface. Comparable to every Finnish man and woman that has been taught to despise themselves and feel ashamed of their feelings. That was the last shaking. And it felt bad and painful, but it happened by itself spontaneously without anyone forcing or because of anyone's expectations. Slowly opening my eyes like I was tossed on hard ground from a dream fog and after the sharp gasps of fear easing down, making me find spots of sunshine which I could start following very very cautiously.

And I want to live again like never before.
For a long time - or actually never before in my life have I felt this way. I want to feel everything perfectly the way it feels when living purely in the moment. The way it can feel the best. Just like I'd be a curious kitten awakening, a tad daring as well, just the exact right way that I wouldn't be running back to mama cat after the first fright along the way.

And I couldn't ask for better support and refuge (even though they don't know it) than getting to be away from home, from the oppressive feeling of being in the role of "examinee" to the role of being equal sibling next to my beloved brothers. And to get to be and live, do anything from normal housework to a surprise adventure at any moment the urge to do something silly awakens. Free to walk my feet full of blisters, so that I'd have to take my shoes off. And then walk my socks broken too. Even if I had no destination. Without any reason to do so. Just because it feels good. To live and feel life. (in every single cell in me)

During this life I've already learned for sure that I can't avoid getting depressed from time to time because of childhood. And that I might never become "normal" or "fixed" but it doesn't matter. Let the anxieties come and go. Even if the fear of the future bothers me, at least it doesn't have an advantage of me anymore like before. Now I have this moment and the coming anxieties far far from my mind.

Mm. How I love life incomprehensively much <3 (maybe for the first time ever)

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